Thursday, April 28, 2011


Look at how big my little girl has gotten!!


Three and a half weeks:

Five weeks:

She was weighed at the WIC office last week, and my girl has grown an inch since birth and is ten and a half pounds!!! Eek!!! She's growing so fast; it's crazy!

Mommy = Giant Warm Pillow

So I had all these plans today because Addie was awake for a few hours this morning and then went to sleep. I was going to take her outside in her bouncer and get some gardening done and the plants in the ground (or we won't have any veggies this year), and get some laundry done and some cleaning done while she napped. I really should have known better. This is how I've spent my day: a bed and pillow. Addie woke up fussy about the time I got dressed and prepared to start all my plans for the day and wouldn't sleep anywhere except on me, with my arm as her pillow. But she's just so adorable, she's totally worth my house staying a mess and my garden being empty. So her and I are snuggling on the couch today and watching tv online and playing on the internet. Good way to spend the day I think. Not productive in the conventional sense, but that's ok. It's productive Addie time. She gets good sleep so she can grow lots and I get lots of love and snuggles. And I really can't resist watching her sleep. I can soothe if she has a bad dream and watch her cuteness as she smiles and laughs if she has a good dream.

It's a good day. Definitely. My daughter is amazing. And I love her lots and lots. Plus, she's so smart! She smiles and has been holding her head up for weeks and will only be 6 weeks tomorrow! She's starting to mimic faces and learning to bring her hands (and whatever she manages to grab with them) to her mouth to taste. She likes tasting things. Especially fingers. But not cold wash cloths. She does not like cold wash cloths.

Well, I'm going to snuggle with my baby girl some more and maybe go try to find some easily accessible food. All this snuggling and playing on the couch worked up my appetite (or I forgot to eat again, one of the two). As a parting note, here are some pics of Addie from her first month of life:

A few days after being home, we were all exhausted.

Sleeping on Grannie

Her Uncle Nate and Aunt Carol got her this onesie. Isn't it hilarious? Nate has a matching shirt.

Ignore me, but this is Addie favorite sleeping spot on her people obviously!

She was not a happy camper with her mommy.

The girl loves her bath time...

There's a smile!


Monday, April 25, 2011

When will the problems stop?

So much has happened since my last post. And to some extent I've been avoiding this blog because of being so busy, trying to find time to sleep, and my emotional state. But today was a really rough day and I need to just talk. This will probably be a long and drawn out post, but I need it.

To start off: We have a little girl. And she's absolutely beautiful.

Adriana was born March 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm. I was induced as I'd been in early labor for 2 weeks and was walking around dilated to 5 cm and 80-90% effaced. I completely stumped the doctors through that and because my labor went so quickly once active labor finally started going. They weren't sure what to think of me, lol. Addie was 7 pounds, 8 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long. This was my first look at my new daughter:

She's perfect. But we've just had one thing after another after another and I'm exhausted and frustrated and lost... Adriana is 5 weeks and 3 days old and up to this point we've battled: latch issues, nipple shield issues, nipple confusion, diaper rash, tummy troubles, formula supplement changes, horrible gassiness, random vomiting, reflux, colic, and now supply issues. And on top of it all, I have postpartum depression. I'm exhausted and having a really hard time keeping going.

I'm so ready to just give up breastfeeding but feel so horribly guilty for wanting to. I know it's what's best for her, but I just don't have the energy to keep going and keep battling all the ongoing problems. We'll finally get one thing fixed and something else will go wrong. Now I don't even have the supply to support her. And no one knows WHY. I spent hours just crying today because it's just so hard to keep going. Keep getting up, breastfeeding, pumping, giving Addie a bottle to make sure she gets enough to eat, changing her and playing with her and trying to sleep and not lose my mind all at once. I can't do it. I constantly feel like an awful mother because no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still having problems, Adriana still has awful gas and she still has colic. And I'm still depressed.

It helps that she is starting to smile and knows who I am. But some days, like today, everything hits and I am so miserable I can barely move or function. And on top of it all, I'm terrified that she picks up on it and/or that Jereme thinks I'm not doing enough. And after our talk today, all I can think about is that Jereme thinks I'm not doing enough or trying hard enough and just won't admit it to me. I'm doing everything I can and I'm still not good enough. I just want to run away and breathe, but I can't let myself do that.

I love my daughter and I love my husband, but this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I never thought I'd be struggling so badly just to get up in the morning and function and trying to hide how hard it is so that at least everyone around me isn't miserable too. I hate making my family worry about me when I know this is just the exhaustion and the depression talking, but when I have a day like today when everything just hits at once...I just want to cry.

My biggest stress right now is the breastfeeding. And the colic, but the colic doesn't ever go away. I went from having oversupply to suddenly I can't even produce enough for 1 feeding when it's time for Addie to eat. And I'm so sick of fighting it. But I feel so guilty for wanting to switch to formula. Although at this point, I don't think it matters how much I do and how hard I try, I'm going to feel guilty regardless. What is with all this guilt?! Why can't I just relax and be ok with doing the best I can? Why do I always feel like there has to be something else I could or should be doing to try harder and do more? I know I'm doing the best I can and more than I can handle already, but I still don't feel good enough. I feel like a failure as a mother. I shouldn't, but I do. My daughter is fed come hell or high water through everything we've struggled with thus far and I've done the best I can to make things easier on her system so she's as comfortable as I can make her, she's diapered in the best I can give her (and she LOVES her fluff), and I have gone to hell and back trying to find ways to calm her down and help her feel better during bouts of gas and of colic...yet I still feel inadequate and like I can't do this and am failing miserably.

A small part of me knows that a big part of why this all feels so overwhelming and hopeless is because of the postpartum depression. But it's incredibly hard to take a step back and breathe and put things in perspective. I just feel like I'm being crushed.

Sorry this is so down, I'm And tired. Adriana's asleep for now, who knows how long it will last and Jereme's taken to sleeping through her night feedings. I need to sleep so someone can get up with the baby and avoid losing my mind. Again.

On a brighter note, we took Addie to the mall for a picture with the Easter bunny and ended up getting some beautiful non-Easter bunny photos taken. I love them. Adriana looks so peaceful in her'd never know how much screaming goes on in our house ;)

The Easter bunny picture we actually went for:

And our very first family photo:

I love our baby girl. She's so adorable. And her smile is worth going to the moon and back for her. But I'll be so incredibly relieved when things finally level out and we find our routine. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Adriana's Birth Announcement

Cubes Rose Baby Announcements
Personalized cards for babies, Valentines, Easter and Mother's Day.
View the entire collection of cards.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I'm a completely awful blogger I know. I realized today that it's been almost 2 months since my last post! So I really need to update but at the same time, this all hit me a few minutes ago and I need to go to bed as I have to work in the morning. So I'll try to make this fast :)

Of course the most important update is about and for the baby. We found out last month at the 19 week ultrasound that it's...a GIRL!!! Yes, all that time of me swearing it was a boy and Jereme was right all along, she was a girl to spite me. The teenage years should be interesting! But in all seriousness, it was a great ultrasound and she is perfectly healthy. Wasn't overly cooperative with the tech as she was comfortable laying on her head on top of my bladder and didn't want to move or show us her gender, but the tech was marvelous and crazy persistent getting our little girl to move around. The only picture we couldn't get was of her face as it was the last measurement to be taken and she had had enough and absolutely refused to let us see and just hid behind her hands. It was actually pretty adorable. But our little girl id certainly full of personality already. During the hour long ultrasound, she gave a "thumbs up" for dad right after he was talking about how cool it would be and then got exasperated with the tech trying to see her gender that she struck a southern belle pose with her hand to her forehead like she was going to faint. It was adorable and Jereme and I were laughing hysterically with the tech.

Picture-wise, we didn't get nearly as good of shots as we did at the first ultrasound, but we have a good profile picture where you can see each vertebrae in her spine, which was really cool, the thumbs up picture and the gender photo of course, and some miscellaneous photos the tech took while taking measurements. I must say, the amount of detail in the ultrasound was amazing. Because the baby was holding still, we were able to count all five fingers on each hand (toes are still too small), the two hemispheres of her brain, all the bones in her arms and was incredibly reassuring to actually be able to tell what things were and see that she is developing perfectly. She's still measuring a few days small so our true due date is actually probably three or four days later than March 23rd, but it's not enough of a difference for our official due date to be changed.

Now for her name, which I'm sure you're just dying to know. :) We decided on Adriana Pauline. Adriana because it's important to me that I pass on my Italian heritage and, as she won't be receiving my very unique maiden name, Adriana was listed as a strong Italian name (originally Latin but used more in Italy than anywhere else). Jereme and I had a debate after finding out she was a girl about whether to spell her name with 1 n or 2 (Adriana or Adrianna), but settled on 1 as Adrianna is the more common spelling used today and Adriana is a little more unique today and it's also the original Latin spelling. Her middle name, Pauline, was Jereme's grandmother's name which we decided to use after ruling out dozens upon dozens of potential middle names because Jereme had an epiphany for one, and for two, he was really close with his Grandma Pauline and we decided it was a perfect way to honor her memory since our Addie will never meet her.

Other than that, we've just been working on getting Adriana's room together and ready. We have the crib all set up and made and most of the furniture bought. I've managed to get a lot of clothes on amazing sales so the most I've paid for any one item was around $1.50 and even then all but about 5-6 items I paid under $0.50 each for. I'm amazingly proud of myself for that. We decided a long while back to use cloth diapers, thanks largely to a friend of mine's influence and encouragement. We have quite a few stashed already that I've gotten second-hand or at sales but we still need to get some more prefolds as the ones I have aren't very good and we definitely don't have enough to get through a day, and we need to get several more covers to go over top of them to make sure she doesn't leak. But we'll figure it out. I'm hoping some of the cloth diaper stores I've been watching will have Black Friday sales so I can add to my stash without spending a fortune.

Health-wise, Adriana and I are both good. Other than measuring a few days smaller, she's right on track for where she should be developmentally even though I haven't gained any weight and have actually lost over 17 pounds since I got pregnant. Since I'm eating plenty and making sure I eat lots of the right foods and take my vitamins, my doctor's not worried about it. She said it's probably a combination of my eating better than I did pre-pregnancy and a higher metabolism than I usually have. I don't feel like my belly's gotten much bigger, but I need to take some more recent belly photos as I'll be 23 weeks along tomorrow and even though I don't *feel* bigger, I know I *am* bigger because my stretch marks have definitely changed and widened (which no one but Jereme and my mother will ever see!). I'm also starting to feel Adriana moving around more, especially when she decides to stretch out and do somersaults.

We also registered for our birthing class this week. we start February 2nd and have class every Wednesday until the first or second week of March and the day after our last class I have a Breastfeeding class/seminar which should be really interesting and helpful. Jereme's started asking for a "Coach" sweatshirt or t-shirt to wear to class. Silly man...hmm...that would be a cute stocking stuffer though. Shh...don't tell.

It's interesting that this year is our last holiday season without a little one to chase around and play Santa for. It's a little surreal and more than a little nerve-wracking. This time next year, our daughter will be around eight months old. It's kinda scary. Our whole world is about to change in more ways than we can even know. Poor Titan knows something's up, but he's still deciding what to think of all the baby toys and tools that have suddenly overrun our house. It took him a bit to figure out that he doesn't fit in her swing (although goodness knows he tried!) and the crib is not his own personal dog bed so he should stop begging to be put in it. He's been a very good snuggler for his mom though and has been incredibly smart. He seems to be able to tell whenever I'm stressed or getting myself worked up and upset and immediately starts begging to be held so I'll calm down. He knows if I'm holding him, I stay much calmer and just cling to him. Which is good considering my anxiety attacks are becoming much more frequent the further I get in my pregnancy, but I'm trying to go as long as I can with natural ways for dealing with them so I don't have to resort to medication to help control them. The thought of taking anti-anxiety medication while pregnant, even the "safe" ones, makes me nervous. Anti-nausea was one thing because I needed the nutrients I was losing, but anti-anxiety I'd like to avoid if I can.

Well, this has turned into quite the long-winded post. I'll wrap up as I need to get to bed for work in the morning. I'll try to remind myself to get back on in the next few days to post pictures from the ultrasound and Adriana's room and tell you about my current projects. Learning to sew, planning a "family garden" with mom for next year (thankfully mom and Burg are going to do the prep work this winter and get the compost in as I'm not supposed to be digging around in it while pregnant), and trying to get my house "baby-ready."

Until next time, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Yes, that's right, I FINALLY took belly pictures. I meant to do this at 5 weeks when we found out we were pregnant, then at 10 weeks right before our first OB appointment and ultrasound and then each subsequent week I felt guiltier and guiltier for forgetting something important for the baby book that I'll eventually buy when I find a good sale (I'm cheap and refuse to pay full price lol). Now, before I post said pictures, a brief disclaimer. If you notice the funny look on my face, it's Jereme's fault. He kept snapping the camera and saying "Show me sexy!" and being a general I couldn't keep a straight face or hold still from laughing. But I love him anyway. Silly man. So without further ado (drumroll please!), belly pictures!

Again...funny look = Jereme being a dork. And speaking of him being a dork, the baby is just as ornery. He (we don't actually know the gender, but I really think he's a boy) steals all my water so even though I'm drinking like a fish, when I eat any fruit, I react to it. Last week I was craving salads and tomatoes and green olives and apples so lo and behold, baby takes all the water and my allergy to citric acid is now a hyper allergy and I broke out in my normal reaction in 7 places!!! UGH! But hopefully it will go away soon. I'm also getting a taste of Jereme's weird melon allergy somehow (maybe the baby's allergic and shared?) I ate cantaloupe the other day and my neck got all red and itchy. So no more melon for the Trinity :( That's ok, it's all out of season now anyway.

And now for the side picture, where you can actually see the start of the baby belly...

So this is me and baby Tadpole at 15 weeks. While I'm remembering to post baby pictures, here's the ultrasound pictures from 10 weeks 2 days:

And even though this makes me sound like a crazy mommy-to-be, if you look really close at the second one you can see his face and he looks like he's smiling for the camera :) See, our little guy's got lots of personality already!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Catch Up

Well, it's been a very long time and long past time for an update.

1. Jereme and I hit our one year mark. Some days it feels there's no way we've been together this long...other times it feels like it's been much longer (in a good way lol).
2. Mom and Burgundi are living with us now. They packed up and moved to Oregon in August and are living with us until they get on their feet and can get their own place. Mom started a new job about a week or two ago that she seems to really like so far, which is definitely good.
3. We're PREGNANT!!! We're 14 weeks and 2 days now and incredibly excited. We've started collecting clothes and blankets and diapers (we're cloth diapering) for the new baby and trying to figure out names. We've decided on a girl name but can't decide on a boy's. Which could be interesting because I'm almost positive it's a boy.

Tonight's dilemma however is the what-we-need-for-baby list. I'm trying to figure out what all we need for the baby so I know what to register for and what we need to try to get over the next few months before he gets here. Here's what I've got so far, let me know if you can think of anything I'm missing. I divided it into categories to help me keep track and try to think of things I'm missing.

crib sheets
receiving blankets
crib skirt
heavier type blanket
mattress protector
crib teething guard

changing pad for home
changing pad for travel
baby wipes
hand sanitizer (travel)
wet bag for home
wet bag for travel
bleach wipes
disinfectant spray
diaper rash ointment
baby lotion
cloth diapers
diaper bag

breast pump
burp cloths
nursing pillow

baby monitor
outlet/power strip covers
baby gates
ear thermometer
nasal aspirator

bath tub
rubber ducky
baby shampoo
tub thermometer
tub spout cover
hooded towels
wash cloths
storage basket for tub

pajamas with footies
mitten covers
carrier - wrap, sling, etc

educational toys (birth+)
toy box

Furniture/Big Items
changing table
car seat
high chair

moses basket