Friday, March 5, 2010

Too Much Information - Not Enough Calm

So, although I'm relatively sure no one really wants to know what's going through my head lately, I'm going to share anyway because I've been trying to keep my head up for weeks now and right now is one of those times that I'm just trying to get through the next hour...or five minutes. I'll take either.

I've been having a hard time lately. Things seemed fine and a few people I know found out about pregnancies, but it wasn't a big deal for me. I was excited for them and looking forward to my turn and life was ok. I wasn't flipping out about it or crazy jealous, I was just happy for them and continued on with my life without too much of an issue. Then this month hit.

I fell like I've run into a brick wall. About six times. As hard as I tried not to get my hopes up, I did. Me, the girl who has never had an issue with her reproductive system (tmi I know) was three weeks late. Three WEEKS. And all the doctor would do was continue to have me come in once a week for a urine test. All of which were negative. Oh, and tell me that with my symptoms (nausea, vomiting, headaches, fatigue and heartburn), if I was indeed not pregnant then usually they would look for ovarian cancer but that I'm apparently too young for ovarian cancer. So apparently cancer has an age limit now?! I really like my doctor normally, but with this fiasco...I don't know. I'm still nauseous, dizzy at certain times and fatigued but I don't know what to do. Should I try to find an OB/GYN? I'm going to need one eventually but it's $40.00 a visit. Plus whatever insurance refuses to pay on whatever tests are run, if any.

Then through all of this...a girl in my department at work is apparently five months pregnant, an old friend just had her baby and is speaking to me now so I hear about him on a regular basis, another friend of mine just found out she's seven months feels like I'm surrounded by pregnant women. And it's so hard. Here I am, terrified that something is wrong. Something that could cost me my hopes for ever having children of my own (without paying a fortune for fertility treatments). Yet seemingly every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Most of them are unmarried, unemployed or with a dead-end job, and on birth control. How is this fair?! I know it's only been four months, almost five now, but after everything that happened this month...I'm barely holding on.

Now, to try to distract myself and lower my stress level, I'm jumping from project to project and just trying to get through whatever period of time I can handle at once, be it 24 hours or 24 seconds. Right now is one of those 24 second times...

What's worse is I've now drained the budget I had set aside for projects so I'm trying to find project that keep me physically and mentally busy without costing anything. Rather difficult when so far all I've come up with is painting, decorating the house (finally), and establishing my garden. Even scrapbooking isn't keeping my mind occupied.

I'm at a loss. And no one really knows how to help me. I don't even know how to help me. I keep being told one of two things: 1. "Everything's fine. Your turn is coming. Maybe this month is the month." or 2. "Maybe this is just a sign you aren't fully ready yet. If you're stressed about money and everything now, then maybe you should take a break and stop trying to get pregnant for a while." Neither of these two lines of advice are helpful or in any way encouraging. I appreciate the thought but in this frame of mind, those things are the last things I need or want to hear.

Thank God for Jereme. Through all of this and all of my psychosis, he's been following my lead and doing what he can - even if it's just holding me while I sob...again.

1 comment:

Paige said...

oh hun. I think all I can offer is huge hugs, an ear to listen if you need it and another shoulder to cry on when you're feeling overwhelmed.
I'll thrown in a few extra hugs for good measure.