Monday, April 25, 2011

When will the problems stop?

So much has happened since my last post. And to some extent I've been avoiding this blog because of being so busy, trying to find time to sleep, and my emotional state. But today was a really rough day and I need to just talk. This will probably be a long and drawn out post, but I need it.

To start off: We have a little girl. And she's absolutely beautiful.

Adriana was born March 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm. I was induced as I'd been in early labor for 2 weeks and was walking around dilated to 5 cm and 80-90% effaced. I completely stumped the doctors through that and because my labor went so quickly once active labor finally started going. They weren't sure what to think of me, lol. Addie was 7 pounds, 8 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long. This was my first look at my new daughter:

She's perfect. But we've just had one thing after another after another and I'm exhausted and frustrated and lost... Adriana is 5 weeks and 3 days old and up to this point we've battled: latch issues, nipple shield issues, nipple confusion, diaper rash, tummy troubles, formula supplement changes, horrible gassiness, random vomiting, reflux, colic, and now supply issues. And on top of it all, I have postpartum depression. I'm exhausted and having a really hard time keeping going.

I'm so ready to just give up breastfeeding but feel so horribly guilty for wanting to. I know it's what's best for her, but I just don't have the energy to keep going and keep battling all the ongoing problems. We'll finally get one thing fixed and something else will go wrong. Now I don't even have the supply to support her. And no one knows WHY. I spent hours just crying today because it's just so hard to keep going. Keep getting up, breastfeeding, pumping, giving Addie a bottle to make sure she gets enough to eat, changing her and playing with her and trying to sleep and not lose my mind all at once. I can't do it. I constantly feel like an awful mother because no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still having problems, Adriana still has awful gas and she still has colic. And I'm still depressed.

It helps that she is starting to smile and knows who I am. But some days, like today, everything hits and I am so miserable I can barely move or function. And on top of it all, I'm terrified that she picks up on it and/or that Jereme thinks I'm not doing enough. And after our talk today, all I can think about is that Jereme thinks I'm not doing enough or trying hard enough and just won't admit it to me. I'm doing everything I can and I'm still not good enough. I just want to run away and breathe, but I can't let myself do that.

I love my daughter and I love my husband, but this is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I never thought I'd be struggling so badly just to get up in the morning and function and trying to hide how hard it is so that at least everyone around me isn't miserable too. I hate making my family worry about me when I know this is just the exhaustion and the depression talking, but when I have a day like today when everything just hits at once...I just want to cry.

My biggest stress right now is the breastfeeding. And the colic, but the colic doesn't ever go away. I went from having oversupply to suddenly I can't even produce enough for 1 feeding when it's time for Addie to eat. And I'm so sick of fighting it. But I feel so guilty for wanting to switch to formula. Although at this point, I don't think it matters how much I do and how hard I try, I'm going to feel guilty regardless. What is with all this guilt?! Why can't I just relax and be ok with doing the best I can? Why do I always feel like there has to be something else I could or should be doing to try harder and do more? I know I'm doing the best I can and more than I can handle already, but I still don't feel good enough. I feel like a failure as a mother. I shouldn't, but I do. My daughter is fed come hell or high water through everything we've struggled with thus far and I've done the best I can to make things easier on her system so she's as comfortable as I can make her, she's diapered in the best I can give her (and she LOVES her fluff), and I have gone to hell and back trying to find ways to calm her down and help her feel better during bouts of gas and of colic...yet I still feel inadequate and like I can't do this and am failing miserably.

A small part of me knows that a big part of why this all feels so overwhelming and hopeless is because of the postpartum depression. But it's incredibly hard to take a step back and breathe and put things in perspective. I just feel like I'm being crushed.

Sorry this is so down, I'm And tired. Adriana's asleep for now, who knows how long it will last and Jereme's taken to sleeping through her night feedings. I need to sleep so someone can get up with the baby and avoid losing my mind. Again.

On a brighter note, we took Addie to the mall for a picture with the Easter bunny and ended up getting some beautiful non-Easter bunny photos taken. I love them. Adriana looks so peaceful in her'd never know how much screaming goes on in our house ;)

The Easter bunny picture we actually went for:

And our very first family photo:

I love our baby girl. She's so adorable. And her smile is worth going to the moon and back for her. But I'll be so incredibly relieved when things finally level out and we find our routine. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning.

1 comment:

Paige said...

You're fantastic, and don't let anybody or anything ever make you feel otherwise.